By: Frankie Damiano
I am a complex person and therefore hold a multitude of identities…one of those primarily being a professional hater. My hate knows no bounds—I hate both stupid and profound things. I have made hating my full-time job.
Now, for your enjoyment, here are 8 things I hate about life (in no particular order).
Disclaimer: These are all just my opinions, and I do not intend any actual harm or offense. The language I use here is intentionally extreme and sarcastic—I do not mean everything I say. If for whatever reason you like, do, or are any of the things on this list, please feel free to keep living your truth…I just might be judging.
1. Ads Everywhere
I was recently watching a random show on Max and paused it briefly, only to see the screen turn from a paused still of the episode to the most jarring and disturbing (hot pink) T-Mobile ad. Not only are they already putting 90 seconds of unskippable ads every 20 minutes, but now they are also not allowing me to pause without shoving yet another ad down my throat. At this point, just tattoo them on the inside of my eyelids so I can watch them while I sleep too.
2. ‘Field Goal’ Trees
Do not even get me started on these. I cannot explain the unbridled rage I feel looking at this. Please just cut the tree down—put me and it out of our misery. At least cut it in half? Why are we leaving half of the tree above the road? It is the worst eyesore known to mankind, and it has to be dangerous too. I grew up with one of these by my house, and now they haunt me.
3. Slow Drivers
Me behind a slow driver, right there. If you are not going to drive at least the speed limit, kindly get off the road. I believe that driving is a team sport, yet so many people are only playing for themselves. If the speed limit is 45 MPH, we should all collectively be going 45. This should also serve as a reminder that the left is the one and only passing lane. If you are not passing, do not use it. Thanks! And I will forever find it perplexing why the slowest drivers on the road are in Teslas or other sports cars. What is that about? Every time I encounter a slow driver, it makes me wish more and more that cars actually worked like bumper cars.
4. Flavored Chips
I just honestly do not get the hype. I have never tasted a salt and vinegar flavored chip that did not melt my tongue with the intense acidity. I think the chip tastes good in its plain, regular version—why do we feel the need to change it? I feel the same way about gravy. I believe gravy is only necessary if the meat or mashed potatoes taste bad or are dry. Why are we spending 10 hours cooking a turkey and perfectly adding all the spices and herbs, just to smother all of that flavor with a very average gravy? No thanks.
5. Being Sung “Happy Birthday”
Oh my god, the social anxiety. I do not think anyone has figured out what you are supposed to do when you are the person being sung to. Do I sing along? Do I just stare at the cake? Do I just cover my face in embarrassment and shame until it ends? (That is what I generally decide to do.) Don’t get me wrong—being the one singing “Happy Birthday” is great fun, but being on the receiving end is my worst nightmare.
6. Slow-Moving Crowds
Above is a very low-quality picture I took while trying to leave Taylor Swift’s concert two summers ago. Literal nightmare fuel. I would rather leave a concert early than slowly shuffle out with the other 50,000 people. I am not personally stressed by physically being in a crowd, however, I will be shaking in a crowd of people that are all trying to leave.
7. People Who Hate Taylor Swift
On the Taylor Swift note, I could probably write three whole books about this. There is no convincing me that this does not stem from deep-rooted misogyny. I can acknowledge that I am likely heavily biased in her favor since I have been a fan since I was 5 years old, however, I can understand most of the (valid) criticisms about her. That being said, if you are going to lose it over Taylor Swift’s jet fuel emissions, let’s talk about the many other celebrities who produce more. 99% of arguments I hear against her are entirely hypocritical because I know you are not making the same criticisms about male celebrities who have quantifiably worse business practices than her. I truly believe that almost every argument against her boils down to the fact that people cannot stand a successful woman.
8. Dog Smell
Yeah, I am a cat person, and no, I am not sorry. Cats are highly superior to dogs for many reasons, but namely the fact that they do not permanently smell eye-wateringly bad. If I am even in the same room as a dog, I am gagging. Puppies are only marginally better, but they just smell like dog and baby mixed together. I will give the caveat that dogs’ Frito/popcorn feet do smell delicious.
And on that note, thus concludes my hateful yet very therapeutic and cathartic rant. If you are still reading this, thank you for making it this far and not tapping out halfway. I hope you, dear reader, have been inspired to keep on hating. (But also, maybe journal about it…)